一位跨性別者的告白:拿刀自殺之前,我突然意識到自己根本沒做錯什麼

《BO 導讀》:他們無法決定自己要不要當個跨性別者,因為他們生下來就是如此。然而外界卻時常將這些跨性別者當做「有病」的人,這使得許多跨性別者在生活中不斷受到歧視、批評,甚至是欺壓。

這位跨性別者從小活在父母、師長、朋友的歧視中,種種壓力都讓他數度想自殺,但當他意識到,其實跨性別不是一種錯之後,他選擇勇敢地站出來,告訴大家跨性別者的實況以及困境,希望世人在有多一點理解後,也能夠多一份體諒和接納。

文/Humans of Taiwan

我 19 歲之後就沒再跟父母聯絡。他們現在定居在中國。我告訴他們我是跨性別。

因為我覺得這不是件不可告人的事情。但自從我告訴他們後,他們幾乎無法接受我,他們每天不斷嘗試說服我:「你不是跨性別。」,他們甚至帶我讓精神科醫生鑑定我是否有生病,可想而知醫生告訴父母我一切正常,但他們還是無法接受這事實。

因此我獨自回到台灣,起初我們還會彼此聯繫,但每次的話題都在這問題上打轉,「你為什麼會變這樣?」「為什麼你要當跨性別?」「你是不是生病了?」 最後我們彼此都受不了這些對話便不再聯繫彼此。

我的挑戰不只這些,我是過動兒,我會不斷詢問老師問題、上課不專心等等,因此遭受到老師們的責罵。我小學轉學過 3 次、國中 3 次,所以我後來只好到中國去念國際學校,跟許多來自世界各地的同學一起相處,我積極參予校刊編輯,並且了解到其實學校就像一個小小的社會雛形,我在這當中學會人生很重要的一件事情就是「社交能力。」

如今,我嘗試為自己的權利發聲,幫助那些被社會排擠、冷落的人爭取應有的權利。

我知道媽媽可以藉由這些報導知道我的近況,畢竟我們是家人呀。

———————

找工作對我來說真的很難,每次當我寄履歷應徵,如果公司對我有興趣,就會打電話請我去面試,但他們都會問我:「為什麼你看起來是女生,可是聲音卻是男生呢?」有時候公司寄電子郵件請我去面試,但往往在面試過程中,他們並非問我專業問題,而是問我;「你是男生還是女生?」之後我決定直接在履歷上寫我是跨性別。

對我們來說最難的是隱藏自己的性別角色,如果我們希望解決這問題,可以透過變性手術。但通常做過這手術後,我們必須忍受他人異樣的眼光。

起初我以為我可以隱藏跨性別的事情很好不被發現,但是事與願違。我幾乎崩潰,因為我覺得我的人生好像沒有任何意義,沒有朋友、沒有工作,沒有家人的支持,只有大眾異樣的眼光。

我記得我在受不了的時候,我拿起刀子準備自殺,但在下手的瞬間,我反問自己: 「為什麼這是我的錯?」 我左思右想遍尋不著答案,因為我沒做錯什麼事,刹那間我意識到:「我要活下來,分享我的故事」,後來我將我的故事寄到各大 媒體,我的故事迅速地被轉貼、分享,而且我還找到了工作。

雖然我現在情況好轉,但其他性別轉換者還是處於找不到工作的窘境中。

英文版本:

My parents and I are not really in touch anymore since I was 19 years old. They are now in China. I told them about being transgender because I thought it was normal. But after I came out, we had a tough year where they were very against me. They tried to brainwash me every single day. They even brought me to see a psychiatrist to check if anything was wrong. Of course, the doctor couldn’t see anything wrong. But my parents still couldn’t accept it.

So, I left them and came back to Taiwan. At first, we were calling each other once awhile but it was always the same conversation “Why are you like this? Why are you doing this? Are you sick?” until the moment where everybody got fed up and no one called anymore.

It wasn’t the only challenge. I had ADHD too, so I was often scolded by the teachers at school because I was asking too many questions, not paying attention like they wanted me to and they didn’t like it. I changed three times primary school and three times junior high school. It was one of the reasons why I went to study in China in an international school. And spending so much time surrounded by people from different countries, being very active in the school newspaper and understanding that school is like a small society with its government, its people, taught me one important thing that I still use today: social movement.

Today, I try as much as I can to defend my rights and to defend the rights of the ones that seem powerless. How to fight for what is right.

I know my mother reads news she can find about me. It’s a way for her to be in my life. After all, I am still her child.

————————-

I had a really hard time finding a job. Each time I sent my resume, and employers would think it’s good, they would call me and ask me “Why do you look like a woman on the picture but sound like a man?” or they would send me an email and ask me for an interview. During the interview, they would ask questions non related to work at all, such as “Are you a man or a woman?”. So I decided to directly write on my resume that I am a transgender.

What is hard for transgender, is that you usually can’t hide it and if you want to, you need to go through heavy surgeries. And because people are often judgmental, there is a sense that you can’t live in peace. At first, I tried to hide it for a long time, seeking peace but it did not work. I started to have a break down because I didn’t have anything in my life, no companion, no job, no family support, only the judgment of people. I remember my worst moment, I was holding a knife, ready to commit suicide, ready to end everything… but then, it hit me. “Why is this my fault? What did I do wrong?” I couldn’t find any answer, because it wasn’t my fault. It made me realize something: “I won’t die before I tell my story”. So I sent my story to all the media I knew, it went viral and I found a job.

But my current stable situation does not reflect the general situation of other transgenders that have a lot of hard time to find a job.

(圖片、文章來源:Humans of Taiwan 授權)


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